A really common trope I see in movies and literature, is the abuse
victim who confronts their abuser. They confront them years later, and
in that moment show themselves and their abuser that they don’t have to
be afraid anymore.
I crave that catharsis, because I am
afraid. But I can never address that fear through confrontation. I can
only address it by confidence in my ability to set and enforce my own
boundaries.
When you engage in any way, you tell your gaslighter and yourself that your reality is up for debate. Your reality is not up for debate.
If you are like me, you have had a million conversations in your head,
and it’s those conversations that are killing you. Your reality is not
up for debate. You do not have to rehearse for a conversation that you will never have.
It is ridiculous when someone
tries to tell you who you are, what you feel, what you think, what you
intended, or what you experienced. When it happens, you should be angry,
puzzled, or maybe even concerned for them. You might stop, stunned, and
ask “what would make you think that you could know what’s inside of me?
Are you OK?” Instead, many of us will find ourselves trying to reach
understanding. No, that’s not what happened, that’s not what I felt, that’s not what I feel!
And this is a reasonable response, to a point. But if the goal of the
conversation is to exchange power, and not to exchange understanding,
you will never ever ever win.
I would like to propose that the best
solution to make you less susceptible to gaslighting, is to learn how to
identify the objective of a conversation. A conversation with the
purpose of mutuality should not make you feel afraid, ashamed,
disoriented or confused. You do not have to figure out what it is they
are doing, you only have to figure out what you are feeling. You only
have to know when mutuality is no longer the objective, and learn how to
stop engaging when that happens.
Try this:
“We will have to agree to disagree”
“I don’t like how I feel right now, and I want to finish this conversation later (or never)”
“What?”
“You’re trying to tell me what my experience is and I’m not OK with that.”
“Do not contact me again”
Communicate,
communicate, communicate, right? You can solve anything with enough
communication. It’s the poly mantra, and it’s wrong. You can solve a lot
of things with communication, so long as the objective of both people
is understanding. But the minute someone tries to replace your
experience, it’s time to stop communicating, at least on that subject.
